Saturday, February 19, 2011

The Mormons Won't Leave Me Alone...

I was at work yesterday and got a text from UncleR at home.  It said:

"I just had a nice conversation with two Mormon Missionaries.  They came to visit."

I think my response went something like this:

"Jeezus EFFING Christ.  Are you serious?  AGAIN?????"

For full disclosure, I need to say that I used to be Mormon.  In another life, in another time, in another clueless frame of mind, I joined the Mormon church.  I was young, stupid, and overwhelmed by the fact that I was a teenager raising a disabled child.  I needed something to rely on...with some form of consistency that my life wasn't providing me.  Of course, I did the obvious/logical thing and baptized myself as a "Latter Day Saint". 

I remember the day I left the church.  It's burned into my head.  We were at a church picnic and I was sitting with J (who was 2 or 3 at the time) and a friend and her two children.  My friend, we'll call her "Billy", was hoping to take the same path I had taken into the church.  She wanted to be baptized as well.  There was one problem.  Billy was bisexual...and proud.  In the full view and within hearing distance of dozens of church members, I watched the leadership of the church approach Billy.  Billy, it seemed, needed to go to an ex-gay treatment center before she could take any further church lessons.  Now, the church didn't call the "program" they were selling an "ex-gay treatment center"...but it was understood when they told her she would have to cure herself of and denounce her "homosexual nature".  Billy was speechless, and so was I.  I grabbed J and Billy by the hand, she grabbed her two kids, and we left.  I never went back.  I don't know if she did because I never spoke with her again after I dropped her off at home. 

So, imagine my surprise, when time after time, these caring church members continue to haunt my doorway.

A few weeks after moving to Texas to build a home with UncleR, two LDS church members came and knocked on my door...after dark.  First of all, don't ever walk up on the porch of a country home in the dark...unannounced.  It ain't safe...uhhhh, for you.  Apparently, someone in my previous life had revealed to the Mormon church that I had relocated (I'm sure out of concern for my soul).  The damn Mormons found me.  I politely told them that they should never darken my doorstep again.  Okay, I may have said "Don't ever come back here.  I don't want you here.  I don't support you or what you do.  CULT!!!"  And then I slammed the door.  (not really)

So, imagine my surprise when I get the text yesterday that two Mormon boys had taken it upon themselves to come calling.  I asked UncleR what they discussed. 

"Well, they asked if you were home.  Then they called you "Jessica"."  She began to laugh.  The two Mormon boys want to save my soul, but they don't know my name.

"Then, they asked if I was your mother!"  *insert huge, side-stitch inducing guffaws here*

"No shit babe!" I said.  "What did you tell them?"

"I told them I was your fiance."

We collapsed in more loud laughter and snorts.

"What did they do or say?"

"They just nodded and smiled.  Nodded and smiled."


Apparently, UncleR told them I wasn't going to be happy that they came...that I didn't want them there nor would I want to speak with them.  They did offer to come back and help care for our 10-acre yard. 

Maybe next time I'll just tell them I'm an atheist and they'll stop coming.  Apparently, lesbian isn't scary enough.

1 comment:

  1. Tell them you have no income... That'll set 'em runnin'!

    10% of nuthin' is NUTHIN'!