Today, UncleR and I both woke up to Mother's Day cards from J. (It doesn't matter that we both made sure that he got one for each of us...*grin*)
It's our first Mother's Day together.
I'm so glad that we have J. He really is a great kid. We're lucky. Today, it's easy to reflect on him, the young gentleman he's grown to be, and what a journey it's been to get him here.
It's also a day for me to reflect on my first Mother's Day with a partner, a co-parent...a co-conspirator?
We agree on almost everything in regards to our parenting styles. I'm not sure how folks do it who don't. But above and beyond that, it's simply nice to have a partner to rely on in this whole mom thing. When it's hard, I have someone to turn to. When I don't know what to do, I have someone to ask. When I'm at my wits end, I can say that out loud, and someone will listen.
After 14 years of single parenting, it's an amazing change.
So, today is a day to be thankful and reflect. I'm thankful for my son, who brings joy to my life like no other. And I'm thankful to my wonderful partner, who has chosen to join me in being a mom to one great kiddo. I love them both.
Happy Mother's Day to all you mommies out there, and to all you folks who may not be called "mom" (heck, maybe you're called Uncle), but you still fill the role.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
This Is Where I Grew Up...
Clovis, New Mexico, my hometown, made national gay news a few weeks ago for this:
I think I discussed in another blog the uproar that went through the same community when the high school yearbook dared to post the picture of a lesbian couple on its' couples page. The resultant policy requires the approval of any and all yearbook content by the district's school board. *insert big eyeroll*
With all of the news reports on teen bullying and suicide rates amongst gay and lesbian youth, you'd think responsible, intelligent adults would create an accepting and positive environment for youngsters who may be questioning and/or coming to terms with their sexual orientation. Instead, we have districts like Clovis, who take a rigid stance against anything that hints "gay".
Clovis, and many other similar districts, support organizations such as the FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes). They still pray (prey?) before high school sports games or other school gatherings. I attended a graduation ceremony in Clovis within the last year, and me (the Atheist) and the school secretary (Jehovah's Witness) were the only two folks out of hundreds who didn't bow our heads. Who knew I'd have so much in common with a Jehovah Witness? Clearly, Clovis shuns the minority in favor of the majority, putting any legal questions aside until someone (anyone?) questions current policy.
And here we are again. The school district has taken a stand...on the side of the closed-minded homophobes. However, the ramifications for their actions in this case can be far more serious than in the instance of praying before school functions (although I'm not diminishing those actions either, but that's another blog). What message are LGBTQ youth receiving from their school officials in Clovis? What message could a highly impressionable, young, gay student gain from watching the school district deny their right to assemble, socialize with and gain support from other LGBTQ students or supporters? That they are disgusting? Unworthy? Undeserving of love and support? Unequal? That they are to be feared or shunned?
The Clovis schools have sent a dangerous message to the youth in their community. They have endorsed bigoted and homophobic behavior and have reinforced ideals which separate gays and lesbians from "the rest of society" and relegate them (us) to second-class citizenry.
One of the comments posted on the aforementioned news article reads as follows:
The Clovis, N.M. school board on Tuesday voted unanimously to end all non-curricular clubs from meeting during school hours after a gay-straight alliance applied to become a club.
The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) of New Mexico accused the district of changing its policy to stop the formation of the alliance at Clovis High School, but school officials said the timing of its decision was a coincidence, and that its policy was already under review.
“This sort of tactic has been used in the past by school districts to discourage gay-straight clubs from forming,” Micah McCoy, communications specialist for ACLU of New Mexico, said on Wednesday. “A lot of alarm bells went off when we saw this.”
Superintendent Terry Myers called the allegations “unfair.”
Non-curricular clubs, such as the gay-straight alliance, will now have to meet before or after school, while clubs deemed to be curricular can still meet during school hours. The non-curricular clubs will also be prohibited from using the school’s public announcement system to communicate with students.
I think I discussed in another blog the uproar that went through the same community when the high school yearbook dared to post the picture of a lesbian couple on its' couples page. The resultant policy requires the approval of any and all yearbook content by the district's school board. *insert big eyeroll*
With all of the news reports on teen bullying and suicide rates amongst gay and lesbian youth, you'd think responsible, intelligent adults would create an accepting and positive environment for youngsters who may be questioning and/or coming to terms with their sexual orientation. Instead, we have districts like Clovis, who take a rigid stance against anything that hints "gay".
Clovis, and many other similar districts, support organizations such as the FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes). They still pray (prey?) before high school sports games or other school gatherings. I attended a graduation ceremony in Clovis within the last year, and me (the Atheist) and the school secretary (Jehovah's Witness) were the only two folks out of hundreds who didn't bow our heads. Who knew I'd have so much in common with a Jehovah Witness? Clearly, Clovis shuns the minority in favor of the majority, putting any legal questions aside until someone (anyone?) questions current policy.
And here we are again. The school district has taken a stand...on the side of the closed-minded homophobes. However, the ramifications for their actions in this case can be far more serious than in the instance of praying before school functions (although I'm not diminishing those actions either, but that's another blog). What message are LGBTQ youth receiving from their school officials in Clovis? What message could a highly impressionable, young, gay student gain from watching the school district deny their right to assemble, socialize with and gain support from other LGBTQ students or supporters? That they are disgusting? Unworthy? Undeserving of love and support? Unequal? That they are to be feared or shunned?
The Clovis schools have sent a dangerous message to the youth in their community. They have endorsed bigoted and homophobic behavior and have reinforced ideals which separate gays and lesbians from "the rest of society" and relegate them (us) to second-class citizenry.
One of the comments posted on the aforementioned news article reads as follows:
Monday, April 25, 2011
Our First Family Vacation...
We had another family first. We went on our first "destination" family vacation together. In other words, we went somewhere we wanted to go, without obligating ourselves to travel to visit family. And we survived.
We went to San Antonio and it was beautiful. We visited during Fiesta, in which the whole city shuts down and celebrates its' history and culture together with parades, parties and tons of fun. All of us partied our little fiesta behinds off, and I don't think I've ever seen Big C and J smile so much.
We paraded, we danced, we ate, we drank (well, some of us drank) and we enjoyed each other. We took Big C and J to the Alamo (History lessons, yo) and we took them to a saloon, where we allowed them to sit at the bar and flirt with the bartender. We toured the Riverwalk, we took a taxi ride into a historical district of San Antonio which was hosting a neighborhood fair, we threw confetti, and we saw Miss Texas.
We saw a group of PeeWee Herman impersonators, J screamed when he saw the Texas Longhorn Band, and we saw a gorgeous man in a pretty, blue dress.
Here's what I learned from my first family vacation:
1. I enjoy my family more than I knew I could. The four of us are not only family, we're friends. We laugh and we truly enjoy each other's company.
2. Not only have I found a soul mate in UncleR, but J and Big C have found a comfort zone in their relationship with each other. It's not a normal uncle/nephew type relationship in regards to their positions in our family. It's a friendship and camaraderie which is deeper and more loving than I knew it could be. They have their own language, humor, and rules in their relationship. UncleR and I are not privy to every layer of their relationship, nor do we want to be. It's a joy to watch them grow to love each other as family as we are learning to all navigate this next portion of our journey.
3. UncleR is my best friend.
4. One hotel room is too small to share for three nights with 4 people. In this family, we need a suite. The symphony of sleepy sounds emanating from some of my family members was more than enough to drown out the mariachi bands playing outside of our hotel balcony, but they were not conducive to allowing this light sleeper to actually catch some zzzzzzz's.
5. Heat can make people cranky.
6. Prickley pear margaritas are pretty, but they do not taste that good.
7. Always pay more for the expensive, reserved parade seating. The cushy seats rock.
8. It's okay to take an extra bagel from the buffet home with you in your backpack.
9. Mariachi bands are cooler when traveling on a boat.
10. It's always good to come home. You never quite appreciate what you have until you get back from where you've been.
So, we survived. We even had a bit of fun. I'm ready to do it again...next year (maybe). I really am one lucky broad.
We went to San Antonio and it was beautiful. We visited during Fiesta, in which the whole city shuts down and celebrates its' history and culture together with parades, parties and tons of fun. All of us partied our little fiesta behinds off, and I don't think I've ever seen Big C and J smile so much.
We paraded, we danced, we ate, we drank (well, some of us drank) and we enjoyed each other. We took Big C and J to the Alamo (History lessons, yo) and we took them to a saloon, where we allowed them to sit at the bar and flirt with the bartender. We toured the Riverwalk, we took a taxi ride into a historical district of San Antonio which was hosting a neighborhood fair, we threw confetti, and we saw Miss Texas.
We saw a group of PeeWee Herman impersonators, J screamed when he saw the Texas Longhorn Band, and we saw a gorgeous man in a pretty, blue dress.
Here's what I learned from my first family vacation:
1. I enjoy my family more than I knew I could. The four of us are not only family, we're friends. We laugh and we truly enjoy each other's company.
2. Not only have I found a soul mate in UncleR, but J and Big C have found a comfort zone in their relationship with each other. It's not a normal uncle/nephew type relationship in regards to their positions in our family. It's a friendship and camaraderie which is deeper and more loving than I knew it could be. They have their own language, humor, and rules in their relationship. UncleR and I are not privy to every layer of their relationship, nor do we want to be. It's a joy to watch them grow to love each other as family as we are learning to all navigate this next portion of our journey.
3. UncleR is my best friend.
4. One hotel room is too small to share for three nights with 4 people. In this family, we need a suite. The symphony of sleepy sounds emanating from some of my family members was more than enough to drown out the mariachi bands playing outside of our hotel balcony, but they were not conducive to allowing this light sleeper to actually catch some zzzzzzz's.
5. Heat can make people cranky.
6. Prickley pear margaritas are pretty, but they do not taste that good.
7. Always pay more for the expensive, reserved parade seating. The cushy seats rock.
8. It's okay to take an extra bagel from the buffet home with you in your backpack.
9. Mariachi bands are cooler when traveling on a boat.
10. It's always good to come home. You never quite appreciate what you have until you get back from where you've been.
So, we survived. We even had a bit of fun. I'm ready to do it again...next year (maybe). I really am one lucky broad.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Ten Facts About America's Gays...
I came across an article yesterday entitled, "10 Facts About America's Gays". It was so good, I thought I'd blog about it.
Fact 1: 9 million LGBT people live in the U.S., 3.8 % of the adult population.
There's probably more of us. In fact, I'd say it's a certainty. But, due to the bigotry and homophobia that still monopolizes a large subset of our population, some of us aren't able to declare ourselves. Sad.
Fact 2: LGBT people are racially, ethnically, and geographically diverse: 1 in 4 are people of color and same-sex couples have identified themselves on the Census in 99% of U.S. counties.
We're rainbow colored.
Fact 3: A substantial percentage of LGBT people are raising children: 1 in 5 same sex couples have children and 6% of children in foster care are being raised by LGB people.
6 states expressly forbid gays to adopt. In the other 44 states, while most allow adoption by a single, gay person, there are often restrictions which do not permit same sex couples from adopting together. I wonder why? Maybe children of gay parents only deserve one parent?
Fact 4: LGB people are serving in the Armed Forces: 71,000 are currently serving, and there are over 1 million LGB veterans in the U.S.
Over 12,000 (willing to serve) soldiers have been discharged since the inception of Don't Ask, Don't Tell in the 1990's. UncleR is a veteran. When she enlisted in the US Army, in order to serve, she was required to lie on her armed service application by saying that she was not homosexual. Had she not hidden the truth, she would not have been permitted to enlist.
Fact 5: 70,000 same-sex couples have gotten married in the U.S.; another 90,000 have entered into civil unions and domestic partnerships.
Make that 70,001, as of this June.
Fact 6: The annual divorce rate for same-sex couples and different-sex married couples is similar — about 2%.
See, the gays really are just like the straights.
Fact 7: LGBT people are not more affluent. Gay men earn 10% to 23% less, on average, than heterosexual men. Children of same-sex couples are twice as likely to live in poverty.
The fact that our federal government does not recognize same sex marriages prevents same sex couples from accessing the many financial benefits that accompany legal marriage in this country, including: eligibility for certain public programs, access to health benefits provided by a spouse's employer, access to life insurance benefits, Social Security benefits, etc.
Fact 8: Rates of hate crimes and employment discrimination against LGBT people are similar to or higher than for other protected groups.
Here in Texas, I can be fired (legally) for being a lesbian. I'll leave it there.
Fact 9: "Don't ask, don't tell" has cost taxpayers over $500 million since it started being enforced in 1994.
Willing. Soldiers.
Fact 10: If all 50 states and the federal government recognized marriage for same-sex couples, the federal budget would benefit by over $1 billion each year.
Maybe we can sell same-sex marriage to the fiscally-conservative Republicans by explaining the benefits to our economy. It could work.
Fact 1: 9 million LGBT people live in the U.S., 3.8 % of the adult population.
There's probably more of us. In fact, I'd say it's a certainty. But, due to the bigotry and homophobia that still monopolizes a large subset of our population, some of us aren't able to declare ourselves. Sad.
Fact 2: LGBT people are racially, ethnically, and geographically diverse: 1 in 4 are people of color and same-sex couples have identified themselves on the Census in 99% of U.S. counties.
We're rainbow colored.
Fact 3: A substantial percentage of LGBT people are raising children: 1 in 5 same sex couples have children and 6% of children in foster care are being raised by LGB people.
6 states expressly forbid gays to adopt. In the other 44 states, while most allow adoption by a single, gay person, there are often restrictions which do not permit same sex couples from adopting together. I wonder why? Maybe children of gay parents only deserve one parent?
Fact 4: LGB people are serving in the Armed Forces: 71,000 are currently serving, and there are over 1 million LGB veterans in the U.S.
Over 12,000 (willing to serve) soldiers have been discharged since the inception of Don't Ask, Don't Tell in the 1990's. UncleR is a veteran. When she enlisted in the US Army, in order to serve, she was required to lie on her armed service application by saying that she was not homosexual. Had she not hidden the truth, she would not have been permitted to enlist.
Fact 5: 70,000 same-sex couples have gotten married in the U.S.; another 90,000 have entered into civil unions and domestic partnerships.
Make that 70,001, as of this June.
Fact 6: The annual divorce rate for same-sex couples and different-sex married couples is similar — about 2%.
See, the gays really are just like the straights.
Fact 7: LGBT people are not more affluent. Gay men earn 10% to 23% less, on average, than heterosexual men. Children of same-sex couples are twice as likely to live in poverty.
The fact that our federal government does not recognize same sex marriages prevents same sex couples from accessing the many financial benefits that accompany legal marriage in this country, including: eligibility for certain public programs, access to health benefits provided by a spouse's employer, access to life insurance benefits, Social Security benefits, etc.
Fact 8: Rates of hate crimes and employment discrimination against LGBT people are similar to or higher than for other protected groups.
Here in Texas, I can be fired (legally) for being a lesbian. I'll leave it there.
Fact 9: "Don't ask, don't tell" has cost taxpayers over $500 million since it started being enforced in 1994.
Willing. Soldiers.
Fact 10: If all 50 states and the federal government recognized marriage for same-sex couples, the federal budget would benefit by over $1 billion each year.
Maybe we can sell same-sex marriage to the fiscally-conservative Republicans by explaining the benefits to our economy. It could work.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
I Haven't Felt Like Blogging.
Life is...well, interesting.
I haven't felt like blogging. Shame, cause I started off so well, ensuring that I dedicated myself here a few times a week. But, the last few weeks have been spent dealing with the real world.
I got fired from my job. Okay, not really. But, sort of. The school district where I work is being forced to make 175 job cuts in order to shave dollars off of their budget for next school year. All new employees hired within the last year or so were let go. We had a choice to either let them terminate us for budgetary reasons or to voluntarily resign so that we wouldn't have a "termination" on our records. I chose the latter.
The strange thing is, I may be back there next year. My position as a Speech Pathologist is a necessary one, because kids must, by law, receive speech services. If they fire me, they won't have anyone to provide those services. But, due to a long list of legal reasons (that are too convoluted to list here), the district had to fire me only to probably rehire me. Gah. Of course, in the meantime, I'm out of a job and have to decide whether to wait on being rehired or to seek alternative employment opportunities in the off chance that I cannot return to my job. It's a fucked-up situation that has caused great amounts of stress and grief in our family during what is supposed to be a very exciting time.
I really should say, I think everything will work out. We'll be fine. And I'm really not too worried about next year because being an SLP affords me many work opportunities, I'm nothing if not determined, and I'll find something else if things don't work exactly the way I hope with my current school district.
With all that I've said above, I'll state that something incredibly positive has come out of the past few weeks.
I have developed an extreme sense of comfort and trust in my relationship with UncleR. I don't mean that in the way most people may imagine I mean it when I use the words "comfort and trust". Instead, I mean that after choosing to live a single life for a very long time, it has been an eye opening experience to have someone in your life who supports you through and walks with you during difficult times in your journey. I have always relied on myself (and of course, continue to do so) in difficult situations, but having a partner in life, who is there when I have come home in a bad mood, or who is there when I needed to vent, or who agreed with me heartily when I called an overindulgent co-worker a bitch...it's sort of...nice.
Who knew???
So, anyway, I haven't felt like blogging. And I didn't feel I could return here after a few weeks off without discussing what's been keeping me away.
But, many exciting things are happening in the very near future. First, next week, all 4 of us (me, UncleR, J and Big C) are traveling to San Antonio for Fiesta on the Riverwalk. I predict lots of music, good times and margaritas.
And then, 2 months from today, I marry my very best friend. So, while life has thrown us some curveballs, it's still pretty fuckin' awesome.
I promise next blog I'll be back to ranting on things that matter to more people than just me. Consider yourself warned. ;)
I haven't felt like blogging. Shame, cause I started off so well, ensuring that I dedicated myself here a few times a week. But, the last few weeks have been spent dealing with the real world.
I got fired from my job. Okay, not really. But, sort of. The school district where I work is being forced to make 175 job cuts in order to shave dollars off of their budget for next school year. All new employees hired within the last year or so were let go. We had a choice to either let them terminate us for budgetary reasons or to voluntarily resign so that we wouldn't have a "termination" on our records. I chose the latter.
The strange thing is, I may be back there next year. My position as a Speech Pathologist is a necessary one, because kids must, by law, receive speech services. If they fire me, they won't have anyone to provide those services. But, due to a long list of legal reasons (that are too convoluted to list here), the district had to fire me only to probably rehire me. Gah. Of course, in the meantime, I'm out of a job and have to decide whether to wait on being rehired or to seek alternative employment opportunities in the off chance that I cannot return to my job. It's a fucked-up situation that has caused great amounts of stress and grief in our family during what is supposed to be a very exciting time.
I really should say, I think everything will work out. We'll be fine. And I'm really not too worried about next year because being an SLP affords me many work opportunities, I'm nothing if not determined, and I'll find something else if things don't work exactly the way I hope with my current school district.
With all that I've said above, I'll state that something incredibly positive has come out of the past few weeks.
I have developed an extreme sense of comfort and trust in my relationship with UncleR. I don't mean that in the way most people may imagine I mean it when I use the words "comfort and trust". Instead, I mean that after choosing to live a single life for a very long time, it has been an eye opening experience to have someone in your life who supports you through and walks with you during difficult times in your journey. I have always relied on myself (and of course, continue to do so) in difficult situations, but having a partner in life, who is there when I have come home in a bad mood, or who is there when I needed to vent, or who agreed with me heartily when I called an overindulgent co-worker a bitch...it's sort of...nice.
Who knew???
So, anyway, I haven't felt like blogging. And I didn't feel I could return here after a few weeks off without discussing what's been keeping me away.
But, many exciting things are happening in the very near future. First, next week, all 4 of us (me, UncleR, J and Big C) are traveling to San Antonio for Fiesta on the Riverwalk. I predict lots of music, good times and margaritas.
And then, 2 months from today, I marry my very best friend. So, while life has thrown us some curveballs, it's still pretty fuckin' awesome.
I promise next blog I'll be back to ranting on things that matter to more people than just me. Consider yourself warned. ;)
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Wife To Be...
I used to despise the word "wife". Not only did I never think I'd be one, but the word itself conjured up images of servitude and patriarchy. The word "wife" made my feminist bones quake.
I used to tell people that the word "wife" sounded like a venereal disease.
"Oh, I have a bad case of wife"...
The word sounded harsh to me. You almost have to spit it to say it. "Wwwwiiiiiifffffe."
I had many a conversation with other gays and lesbians. Nothing encensed me more than a gay or lesbian calling their partner husband or wife. I'd ask them why they'd use spousal/marital vocabulary when everyone knows gays and lesbians can't get married. Even if they were lucky enough to marry in a state where same-sex marriage was legal, our federal government doesn't recognize such marriages. Why would we adopt heterosexual terminology for our unions when we are refused equal rights?
I used to believe "partner" was a more respectful and acceptable term for our relationships. What better word for your lover, for the person you depend on for everything, for the one who captures your heart, for the one who you share your life with, for the one you build a family with...than partner? Partner sounded better to me than "wife".
Even after UncleR and I were engaged, we had conversations about this. What should we call each other after we marry? (Partners, of course.) What will we have our officiant pronounce us at the end of our vows? (Legally married!)
We even asked other same-sex couples their opinions. They varied as well, however, the overwhelming trend seems to be the use of old standards, husband or wife.
Then Ed came into our lives. Ed is our gay priest/wedding officiant.
The first time I spoke to him by phone, this topic came up. When I asked if we could customize our own ceremony and vows in order to use terminology both familiar and appropriate to us, he gave his opinion. He said, "I feel the terms husband or wife are the most respectful terms you can use because that is what you will be. To me, partner is less respectful. But the words you use are up to you."
He said it in a nonjudgmental way. He said it matter-of-fact. And nothing else was said.
After the phone call, I told UncleR what Ed had said. Our ensuing conversations were less deeply personal and meaningful, and more, "DUH!"
And here we are today.
We are 2 1/2 months away from our ceremony. Although we haven't finalized our vows, once we are married, we will be wives. I'm sending a big thank you to Ed, who with his matter-of-fact opinion, has changed my world and my entire thought process.
UncleR will be my wife. Ed is right. The most respectful term for what and who she will be to me, is "wife". We have chosen to marry. Our marriage WILL result in a legal union. We have chosen to enter into a union while fully aware of the fact that our federal government will not recognize our marriage as either legal or valid.
And yet, we have decided it is fundamentally important to our relationship to marry. It is so important that we will travel across the country to exchange vows in one of the only locations where it is legal for us to do so.
Yes, we are sending a message to all of those that say we can't, that yes, indeed, we can marry. But, it's not about them. It's about us. It's about our relationship. It's about our want to marry.
"Wife" no longer conjures up those negative images. Instead, I think only of UncleR. I think of how much I love her. And I think about Ed, and how right he was. I have realized that "wife" is a deeply personal term, individually tied to each and every person who is a "wife".
When we exchange vows in a few short months, I'm thinking maybe we should be declared "legally wedded wives". How does that sound?
I used to tell people that the word "wife" sounded like a venereal disease.
"Oh, I have a bad case of wife"...
The word sounded harsh to me. You almost have to spit it to say it. "Wwwwiiiiiifffffe."
I had many a conversation with other gays and lesbians. Nothing encensed me more than a gay or lesbian calling their partner husband or wife. I'd ask them why they'd use spousal/marital vocabulary when everyone knows gays and lesbians can't get married. Even if they were lucky enough to marry in a state where same-sex marriage was legal, our federal government doesn't recognize such marriages. Why would we adopt heterosexual terminology for our unions when we are refused equal rights?
I used to believe "partner" was a more respectful and acceptable term for our relationships. What better word for your lover, for the person you depend on for everything, for the one who captures your heart, for the one who you share your life with, for the one you build a family with...than partner? Partner sounded better to me than "wife".
Even after UncleR and I were engaged, we had conversations about this. What should we call each other after we marry? (Partners, of course.) What will we have our officiant pronounce us at the end of our vows? (Legally married!)
We even asked other same-sex couples their opinions. They varied as well, however, the overwhelming trend seems to be the use of old standards, husband or wife.
Then Ed came into our lives. Ed is our gay priest/wedding officiant.
The first time I spoke to him by phone, this topic came up. When I asked if we could customize our own ceremony and vows in order to use terminology both familiar and appropriate to us, he gave his opinion. He said, "I feel the terms husband or wife are the most respectful terms you can use because that is what you will be. To me, partner is less respectful. But the words you use are up to you."
He said it in a nonjudgmental way. He said it matter-of-fact. And nothing else was said.
After the phone call, I told UncleR what Ed had said. Our ensuing conversations were less deeply personal and meaningful, and more, "DUH!"
And here we are today.
We are 2 1/2 months away from our ceremony. Although we haven't finalized our vows, once we are married, we will be wives. I'm sending a big thank you to Ed, who with his matter-of-fact opinion, has changed my world and my entire thought process.
UncleR will be my wife. Ed is right. The most respectful term for what and who she will be to me, is "wife". We have chosen to marry. Our marriage WILL result in a legal union. We have chosen to enter into a union while fully aware of the fact that our federal government will not recognize our marriage as either legal or valid.
And yet, we have decided it is fundamentally important to our relationship to marry. It is so important that we will travel across the country to exchange vows in one of the only locations where it is legal for us to do so.
Yes, we are sending a message to all of those that say we can't, that yes, indeed, we can marry. But, it's not about them. It's about us. It's about our relationship. It's about our want to marry.
"Wife" no longer conjures up those negative images. Instead, I think only of UncleR. I think of how much I love her. And I think about Ed, and how right he was. I have realized that "wife" is a deeply personal term, individually tied to each and every person who is a "wife".
When we exchange vows in a few short months, I'm thinking maybe we should be declared "legally wedded wives". How does that sound?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Labels Are For Jars, Not People...
***This blog is going to be filled with metaphorical, idiomatic language that probably will make sense to no one but me. For this, I apologize, and I hope I can wrap this blog up into a nice, neat bow at the end. *grin*
I used to carry the following picture as an avatar at a message board I frequented:
My tag line under my avatar said: "Hates boxes..." As in, don't put me in a box...don't shove your "labels" at me...you (the figurative you) don't get to define me. Only I get to do that.
In my work, I deal with labels constantly and for every child I see. "Child A has a language disorder". "Child B is Mentally Retarded". (ugh) "Child B has Autism".
Label, label, label, label.
We all do it in our every day lives as well.
"Joe is a gay man". "Jen is a lesbian". "Sue is a Christian". "Reverend Falwell is a bigot".
Labels define, yes. But, a label can also be used to segregate, demean, or in some cases, labels give permission for people to be discriminated against.
My "lesbian label" allows my country to deny me equal rights.
The (personal) negative connotations associated with labels allow otherwise harmless words to be turned into weapons. (Think of how the term "gay" is used to bully amongst children)
I'll step off my personal soapbox now and tell a short story...
Yesterday, I made fish tacos for dinner. I love fish tacos. I was so excited to make them for my family. When I went grocery shopping on Monday, I selected a nice bunch of cilantro for yesterday's taco recipe. The cilantro was to be used in several aspects of the dish.
I came home from work, slipped into my cooking pants (a pair of pink flamingo printed shorts...don't hate...), and got to cooking! I first made a tequila lime aioli. Sounds yummy, no? I chopped my fresh cilantro and threw it into the aioli. I dipped my finger in the aioli and hmmmm...it didn't taste quite right. But, the recipe called for the aioli to sit for an hour, so I stuck it in the fridge and moved on.
I marinated my tilapia. (no cilantro there...but there was tequila...holla!) And then I made fresh pico de gallo. I chopped up more fresh cilantro and threw it in! I grabbed a spoon of pico to taste...and *gag*. It tasted disgusting. Sort of like soapy shit.
I glanced at the "cilantro", and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a small, white label wrapped around the stems of the greens. It said "fresh parsley". Como se what? Parsley? I didn't get parsley. The parsley was on the top shelf of the produce section. The cilantro was all the way at the bottom. My cilantro was incorrectly labeled.
I pouted. It was a struggle to contain myself. Who's watched the movie "Julie and Julia"? In the movie, "Julie" is having difficulty making one of Julia Child's recipes. She throws a bit of a temper tantrum, throwing herself on the floor, collapsing in a heap of tears. I had visions of myself on my kitchen floor kicking and screaming. I was so excited for this meal...and I'd been craving it for days.
I emerged from the kitchen and went straight to UncleR. "Babe, the cilantro was labeled wrong. I got parsley". It took all of my energy not to scream and cry. I had no fresh cilantro...and not only was it supposed to be in the pico de gallo and aioli, but it was in a cabbage mixture I had yet to make. And worse yet, the componenets that I had made with the parsley tasted horrible.
I remade the portions of the dish that I had made incorrectly with...wait for it...dried cilantro. The fish tacos were a bust. Without this one component of the dish, everything tasted disgusting.
At the end of the meal, UncleR looked at me and said: "The fish was really good." And then she smiled meekly. I love her.
The kid gave the following review when asked how he liked the fish tacos: "Ummmm, they weren't good." *sigh*
I'm figuring that the parsley was placed in the wrong box...it was labeled wrong...all wrong...it was with the cilantro when it shouldn't have been.
What's the lesson here?
Be careful when labeling things (people) and beware of tossing something in the wrong box...it'll make your fish tacos taste like soapy shit.
I used to carry the following picture as an avatar at a message board I frequented:
My tag line under my avatar said: "Hates boxes..." As in, don't put me in a box...don't shove your "labels" at me...you (the figurative you) don't get to define me. Only I get to do that.
In my work, I deal with labels constantly and for every child I see. "Child A has a language disorder". "Child B is Mentally Retarded". (ugh) "Child B has Autism".
Label, label, label, label.
We all do it in our every day lives as well.
"Joe is a gay man". "Jen is a lesbian". "Sue is a Christian". "Reverend Falwell is a bigot".
Labels define, yes. But, a label can also be used to segregate, demean, or in some cases, labels give permission for people to be discriminated against.
My "lesbian label" allows my country to deny me equal rights.
The (personal) negative connotations associated with labels allow otherwise harmless words to be turned into weapons. (Think of how the term "gay" is used to bully amongst children)
I'll step off my personal soapbox now and tell a short story...
Yesterday, I made fish tacos for dinner. I love fish tacos. I was so excited to make them for my family. When I went grocery shopping on Monday, I selected a nice bunch of cilantro for yesterday's taco recipe. The cilantro was to be used in several aspects of the dish.
I came home from work, slipped into my cooking pants (a pair of pink flamingo printed shorts...don't hate...), and got to cooking! I first made a tequila lime aioli. Sounds yummy, no? I chopped my fresh cilantro and threw it into the aioli. I dipped my finger in the aioli and hmmmm...it didn't taste quite right. But, the recipe called for the aioli to sit for an hour, so I stuck it in the fridge and moved on.
I marinated my tilapia. (no cilantro there...but there was tequila...holla!) And then I made fresh pico de gallo. I chopped up more fresh cilantro and threw it in! I grabbed a spoon of pico to taste...and *gag*. It tasted disgusting. Sort of like soapy shit.
I glanced at the "cilantro", and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a small, white label wrapped around the stems of the greens. It said "fresh parsley". Como se what? Parsley? I didn't get parsley. The parsley was on the top shelf of the produce section. The cilantro was all the way at the bottom. My cilantro was incorrectly labeled.
I pouted. It was a struggle to contain myself. Who's watched the movie "Julie and Julia"? In the movie, "Julie" is having difficulty making one of Julia Child's recipes. She throws a bit of a temper tantrum, throwing herself on the floor, collapsing in a heap of tears. I had visions of myself on my kitchen floor kicking and screaming. I was so excited for this meal...and I'd been craving it for days.
I emerged from the kitchen and went straight to UncleR. "Babe, the cilantro was labeled wrong. I got parsley". It took all of my energy not to scream and cry. I had no fresh cilantro...and not only was it supposed to be in the pico de gallo and aioli, but it was in a cabbage mixture I had yet to make. And worse yet, the componenets that I had made with the parsley tasted horrible.
I remade the portions of the dish that I had made incorrectly with...wait for it...dried cilantro. The fish tacos were a bust. Without this one component of the dish, everything tasted disgusting.
At the end of the meal, UncleR looked at me and said: "The fish was really good." And then she smiled meekly. I love her.
The kid gave the following review when asked how he liked the fish tacos: "Ummmm, they weren't good." *sigh*
I'm figuring that the parsley was placed in the wrong box...it was labeled wrong...all wrong...it was with the cilantro when it shouldn't have been.
What's the lesson here?
Be careful when labeling things (people) and beware of tossing something in the wrong box...it'll make your fish tacos taste like soapy shit.
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I think I'll print that up on a t-shirt.